dispatch from London

the irony... of falling ill now, here ... is it a late manifestation of Delhi Belly? Was it the terrible food on the plane (I was so appalled that I complained to BA). The 12 degrees temperature difference? Exhaustion?

crap.

But I found inspiration for interior design :)

Last dispatch before takeoff

Was rather happy to leave Goa's monsoon embrace where the weather-feeling increasingly resembled the UK: everything damp, nothing dries; the dogs of the hostel (giant "puppies") gnawed through everything not locked away, including some of my clothing from the washing line; where neither digs, flies or Indian men leave you alone/take no for an answer; and the selfie culture, the spitting and staring makes me feel like an alien.

• I've forgotten how it feels to be really dirty. The goddamn cow shit everywhere, the rudeness and lousy service, something: " yes?! What do you want!"

• The feeling of driving on a scooter fast at night, dodging cows sleeping on the road - I swear they know they are holy and do not give a f.. -

• I like the girls who always smile sweetly back, and never has it felt so good to see young women in pants, in make-up and Western clothing.

• The strange white South Africans who say they've "never seen such poverty" and complain about the lack of meat variety - only veg and chicken does not fulfill nutritional needs, they say...

• Harassed by tuk-tuks who slow down when they see me so it's even more difficult to cross the street, and regularly almost run over by crazy driving.. Several times a day I see cars and these little bee-colored tuk-tuk-taxis on the wrong side of the street, they don't speak English and take you god-knows where...

• Shopkeepers follow you around, standing in your way. Aurora's theory (lovely French girl who works at the alliance française and invited me to stay at  hers in Mumbai) on this us that they want to confuse you so you buy more than you want. In my case, it results in me buying nothing,unfortunately 

• Why all the hairdressers in Goa? I swear people must be cutting their hair at unreasonable rates...

• People are incredibly rude in public, pushy bordering on harassment,inconsiderate, yet privately incredibly willing to be helpful,polite, generous, interested. So many sweet and funny and warm people.

• I feel you can judge the existence and wellbeing of a given civil society by the way it treats its pedestrians. Just look at sidewalks. Are there any,or are the carless ranks not judged worthy of treading safely, comfortably.
•  I really want to get home now, though, too stressful.. Goa was lovely and gorgeous until the monsoon came back, now I'm in Mumbai feeling hackled and struggling with this neo-colonial/do-gooder dichotomy that seems to be the only option.. Dislike the supremacist expats and the yogi-bubbles alike.
• Trying out Mumbai street food: puri, pav bhaji, Ragda pattie, and finally one I found delicious, dosa with coconut chutney... Mjammm!

Some (more serious ?) thoughts

The picture taking is madness and driving me increasingly insane, especially when your "no," your voice, is not respected.
What do they do with those pictures? Do they collect and exchange, do they jerk off on them? It does not matter how exhausted you look, unwashed, eating a potato, the picture is there,in your face.

I'm trying to think it's karma payback for.centuries of white exploitation, fetishization, orientalism etc but it's poor consolation.

The bargaining makes me paranoid, and I dislike most of the co-travellers' paranoia and anxiety over everything, as if everyone is out to get you. Why do we come here? It's like two entrenched sides, the disdainful neo-colonialists and the fantasies of those who "go native" and feel very holy about it. I don't find a niche I would want to be in, and the pull to "sort yourself" is surprisingly strong, as soon as you talk to (or rather, are being talked to) Western tourists. Very old very young people, and many many Germans..

Also, no real supermarkets. I'm in full withdrawal.

Everybody's bathing

Lush green Goa.
Cuddle-greedy stray (?) dogs on the beach, giant brightly colored butterflies, mouse-eating ravens, neon caterpillars, eagles, caravans of cows passing by, morning yoga, unbothered by friendly fishermen.

Helpful people from the toilet lady to people on the bus; I can ask young men for help and they are just eager,polite and lovely. The Portuguese style houses, in full decay admidst the greenery, are soothing to my eyes (even though the green, oddly, is not entirely unlike Leamington, only in warmer)

Goans are lovely - less staring, less or no selfies (with you in it), much less "in your face", less business forced on you, better English all around and, stereotype permitting, like all Indians, they are funny...
Odd observations:
- why the repetitions? Things are usually said twice or three times, sometimes by rhetorically changing the word order ("guys, what is yoga? Yoga is Union. Union, that is the meaning of yoga.")
- There is true creativity in the spelling of dishes on the menus (Greak salad and stakes)

When I arrived there was a day of.almost complete rain but yesterday and today were so sunny I got enough sunburn to last me day in stare capital Panjim (next stop).



Now it feels a bit as if I had been in a cult, from the complete dryness and vegetarianism of the town, where each piece of tofu, paneer or egg had to be struggled and dearly paid for. Daal, cabbage, and oily same-spiced food evey day. I'm so over this.

Greetings from rainy Goa

Trying to make sense of the experience

Tomorrow are the last tests and lessons, and then there will be graduation: another fire ceremony and people are ordering saris left and right (not me). At night I'll take the train to Delhi with Alessio and hand around at the airport until my flight to via and the next part of the journey.
And then there will be more time for reflection, perhaps.
At times I was frustrated with the teaching and the course and not getting more out of it and how the group and its dynamics were so distracting. But today I thought that not only did this offer important corrections and reminders to my self-narratives, but it makes sense to search for a saner, healthier, more spiritual and truthful way of being and living with others, not as an island - which lately had been my problem with therapy. Although this bubble here is therapy.
It's also odd having this experience after the PhD bubble - where these relationships were formed over years of shared marinating/misery. Maybe that too is why I feel a bit less thrown into feelings of eternal bonding and friendships here.

Tuesday: last tests I almost blatantly cheated. I'm weirdly bored but I still have better things to do with my time than learning Sanskrit sutras by heart.
Now I feel oddly deflated. Lucky that Amy is here, who is wonderful and openly states she doesn't like the group.
I'm exhausted from the honking and hassling and the heat and the constant struggle to find food that seems yummy (definitely majorly missing proteins and umami here) and safe. From watered down canned tomatoes soul, daal every day, sugar in everything, even tofu and paneer as a hard-to-get delicatesse. I've started overeating majorly on snacks, as have the others, and it's really weird to overeat on unhealthy food you don't even particularly enjoy.
Tomorrow is the graduation, everyone but me is getting saris made. I feel very estranged again from this whole thing.

Tomorrow are the last tests and lessons, and then there will be graduation: another fire ceremony and people are ordering saris left and right (not me). At night I'll take the train to Delhi with Alessio and hand around at the airport until my flight to via and the next part of the journey.
And then there will be more time for reflection, perhaps.
At times I was frustrated with the teaching and the course and not getting more out of it and how the group and its dynamics were so distracting. But today I thought that not only did this offer important corrections and reminders to my self-narratives, but it makes sense to search for a saner, healthier, more spiritual and truthful way of being and living with others, not as an island - which lately had been my problem with therapy. Although this bubble here is therapy.
It's also odd having this experience after the PhD bubble - where these relationships were formed over years of shared marinating/misery. Maybe that too is why I feel a bit less thrown into feelings of eternal bonding and friendships here.

Tuesday: last tests I almost blatantly cheated. I'm weirdly bored but I still have better things to do with my time than learning Sanskrit sutras by heart.
Now I feel oddly deflated. Lucky that Amy is here, who is wonderful and openly states she doesn't like the group.
I'm exhausted from the honking and hassling and the heat and the constant struggle to find food that seems yummy (definitely majorly missing proteins and umami here) and safe. From watered down canned tomatoes soul, daal every day, sugar in everything, even tofu and paneer as a hard-to-get delicatesse. I've started overeating majorly on snacks, as have the others, and it's really weird to overeat on unhealthy food you don't even particularly enjoy.
Tomorrow is the graduation, everyone but me is getting saris made. I feel very estranged again from this whole thing.