Russo-Indian Reiki

After that nervous crying session I went to the Russian reiki lady half the group (at least) is going to. When in Rome...I had thought about it anyway. It's a massage, and, done in India, relatively cheap.
Well, it was interesting... I'm not completely sold.. But it did kick me out of my darkness spiral. She "saw" interesting images, and I did, too, during the massage.
I'm a camel in the desert that doesn't want to move anymore and is all alone (yep). Then a crow is jumping around me, laughing - somebody is happy at my misery, could be family or karma or a curse.
A blond man from the past is waiting to be forgiven (??)
I'm inside a shell, it will take time but I will come out, very beautiful; he is sitting on furniture that is wrapped as if for storage/moving.
. There was a lot of recommendations from Edgar toelle, the power of now.
My lucky number is 7 (not a fan so far but OK) and this is my year (not sure how she meant this but I take it) and my protective stone/crystal is light brown (garnet) - again, not a fan, so I didn't buy the stone... She wasn't pressing with that stuff.
I'll think about it some more.
I liked the ritual she suggested for speaking to (all) ancestors, especially women..

Comments are welcome :)

(for this or any other post :p)

Schedule

As someone asked me whether I meditate all day long, I realised I need to explain perhaps the schedule a bit more.
 we are about 22 people, divided in two groups: those who have methodology and vinyasa in the morning (me) and those who have it in the afternoon.
So we start with "fruit and tea" 6-6:30, then there is methods with tiny serious Helen from the Philippines who is married to sunny Patik, gentle boy-faced manager/caretaker.
All except one girl live in a hotel opposite and 500 metres away from the yoga school (which is,however, also a hotel).
Then there is vinyasa with Deepak.
It's less "I love it,I'm so happy yoga flow" than ashtanga-influenced sometimes semi-bootcamp training; most people were at first outraged and are now practically in love with Deepak ("Deepak,look!) - who, as far as I can see, gives more attention to those who shout and clamour (a common problem, I don't think there is any pedagogical training here) but basically doesn't give a damn. His English is very particular, which can be frustrating; in general things are rarely explained - when you ask (for) anything, people might converge and discuss, leaving and returning, at most they will tell you "wait here" or "1 minute" and disappear for an indefinite time.
After this, there is a brief break, during which we usually run to get a shower; and at 9:15 there is either Yoga therapy - which was great when we learned shoulder massages etc and which I dread now, with laughing, crying, sleeping yoga, which feels very AA group meeting - or Pranayama, breath control exercises which I have come to really really like.
After this, at 10:15, is finally breakfast.
At 11:30 begins yoga philosophy with Mahesh, who also does therapy/Pranayama; mostly useless for me ("Guys, what is religion/yoga/time?" an hour later:"there are many answers to this question "); 13-14 is anatomy with Kushnal who is hilarious which helps with the subject - intensely important and interesting but also rather dry and right before lunch at 2pm.
Finally, from 5-7 we have Hatha yoga, which includes cleansing practices. Sarita who does Hatha, is lovely and funny, doesn't speak great English and barely explains, same goes for Sanjev who does meditation from 7:30-8:30 - it's rather learning by doing. It's annoying that now, as people have become comfortable/friends, there is a school trip atmosphere especially with meditation, it takes ages for people to settle down, the teachers are clearly not used/able/willing to enforce discipline.
Thursdays we only have methods and asanas (physical practice) and Saturday we have the horrid storytime.
Since last week we have all kinds of exams and we also have a very long assignment to finish by the 8th of September, with questions from very topic, which they will show the Yoga Alliance. And the main thing is to prepare, and practice our teaching of a vinyasa and a hatha class.
So it doesn't really feel much like a holiday but it is something completely different and it is interesting.

Today I don't feel well.

I felt excluded and bored and annoyed,all together; annoyed at the staring and picture taking and the cow shit everywhere, the dog stink in the cushions, the limited tourist food; excluded from the group and bored by most of their chatter.
I thought I was better but I am not. I feel suddenly done with this program,   completely lost interest and motivation.
For me, It's really all about shame.
I feel/think that I failed to make connections. That I have become one of those needy, socially inept people. That I am bad (negativity, aura, too "heavy") for everyone I like and should offer myself only in small doses so I don't overwhelm and loose them. That I failed myself - the person that I once was - dreamy, creative, sensitive but also strong - and that I have walled myself in, locked in a sadness and grief that I can't explain to others in a way that would be satisfying to them - then, when people urge me to share, to open up  (today Sarita, as I had a silent meltdown in her class) I try and then they say
"You must be happy. No one likes sad people. Everyone has pain." and I feel angry and guilty and ashamed, and I wish I hadn't "shared" because now it feels only worse and I just want to run away.

Birthday surprises & positive energy :)

That was actually really cute. Ans felt good. I'm getting more used to this whole thing, this group, people and their idioyncrasies.

And I didn't have to share after all .

Yoga thoughts, maybe

Last week in particular, I was working through some of my default relationship behaviours, given how anxiety-provoking this whole high school/camp setting is. 

There are the performers, the "strong personalities", perhaps especially in my self-selected group: early-morning vinyasa.

A lot of my feelings of rejection and apprehension have to do with choice of words. Fine, they talk about "positive/negative energies" a lot and perhaps I wouldn't (yet) - but it makes sense to me, given how much I myself react to surroundings and spaces, and how group dynamics can really enter a negative spiral of bitching and judging and relating/bonding with negativity.
And I also think we all seek to feel safe and warm and held, or to be free and expansive to open our hearts widely (with or without chakra). Or, for example, people are on their "journeys", and as different as we are,that somehow unites us.
None of this is earth shattering.

We all sniff out like animals who is on top and confident (a leader), try to be a leader, be popular; stay away from the weak members of the group (" negative energy "). But we are together for so long, and actually with good intentions, that this pattern cracks, and we relax into each other. Or maybe thats just my his talking - as we know from Chakira, hips don't lie - after extended opener sessions this morning; I felt smiley and curious most of the day - AND I was able to contort myself into a lotus! (for maybe 10 seconds) progress after just a week!

By now, I notice more and more similar or different struggles and insecurities in the others - many are younger, many are more in need to perform, and the hatha teacher was probably right when she said we will find what we are looking for - which, for some, is to have a life changing experience.

The monkeys like to watch us sweat. I'm still apprehensive of course strolling cows - the other day someone was carefully scooping up and storing some dung. If they kicked me it might be the punishment for my negative energy, telling me to finally release, let go... Part of me wants to, sometimes; and part of me resists the staged nature of our " laughing yoga," "crying yoga" etc.

I'm still sitting here with my liberal supply of charcoal, and can't remember ever having  been as excited about a bowel movement in my life.

Apprehension

I realized with some horror that not only is my birthday on " exam Saturday " - anatomy 1 and methodology -  but also on "sharing Saturday", and I still have no clue what story to share. Suggestions? The stories I remember tend to be either sarcastic, self-depracting or going nowhere.

Finally some pictures

Adjustments in class

At the Beatles ashram:

And then another fire ceremony:

Releasing negative energy / Long "mindy" post

Is it good or bad that, of course, there are also those women here who I instinctively cannot stand? Yoga would say (I guess) it just is; I take the non-judging and attempt to see it as an exercise to explore why this particular specimen presses my buttons so intensely.
In less cryptic terms, this one is in wild, narcissistic need of attention and care, to the point that it feels as if she treats each group session as her personal yoga training; with a whiny voice as if always in pain, always victimized and she does seem genuinely struggling and unhappy.
Yet I resent the liberal amount of space she assumes and is given. Where I withdraw, she demands.
today she released some of her anxieties in a smaller group, and along with others, I offered my coins of wisdom (which she instantly and wholeheartedly rejected, "no it's different for me").
Fine (whatever).(negativity spent)

Yesterday she told me of her nervous breakdown and again, pressed me oddly, what exactly I wanted to do after this - a question which many, except for the very young, thankfully also like to exclude from conversation. it's like a pact -, and kept asking very specific questions, how many hours I taught etc. It's as if she wants to find a weak spot or play "compare and fake."
Today she needed to share (in meditation class) that she is in terror of her cat dying because she knows she couldn't take it, and how to prepare for it.

The social aspect is definitely the hardest for me. I feel exhausted with the noise level, and the relentless positivity which causes me to withdraw - probably, in yogi terms, to balance or even things out - and then I panic about becoming the social pariah. Even when I return refreshed and make an effort at socializing - the girls are quite amazing, each in their own way - I can be happy at their enthusiasm, but I cannot match it. I can be the odd one in the background, smiling awkwardly along, and I don't like that.
Today, laughing yoga, was torture. Could they not have me cry first? I don't think I have never experienced feeling safe in such a large group, among people who I do not know well, and feeling like a loser at laughing (not to mention fulfilling a stereotype about Germans). However, I was promised there will also be crying yoga, at which I might excel (none of which is the point obviously), or perhaps that is "sharing Saturday" - which I also dread, no idea what I could or want to share -; last Saturday there were many tears.

New Nike tries to let those remarks/judgments/situations and thoughts float past like twigs in Mama Ganga, who I watch very day from "The Royal Cafe", my favorite food spot, where I am working my way through the menu. Their Chai is  fantastic, so is the Indian food and what was called Greek salad (in spite of feta from a tube); soups (can), vegetables (cans or cabbage drenched in oil) are dreadful.

I hate and assume that I will not fit into this group; and I mourn that, watching out on Mama Ganga, I feel so much more at peace, unwatched, unjudged. That thought that I can only be okay alone. Another twig, perhaps.

Did I mention that
- it rains every day, often so torrential that the teachers have to shout (which they don't all do) to make themselves understood;
- momos and other Nepalese food are a big thing
- Rishikesh is firmly in yogi hands: everything is organic,Ayurveda, natural nourish etc, the town is vegetarian bordering/going on vegan, and of course no alcohol; movement is basically out by 11 o'clock at night but who'd need that given class starts at 6 or 6:30;
- the rain thing is a bit of a bummer for my post-teacher training plans. Against my anticipations, almost nobody came with a guide and so far nobody plans to stay in India after (some travelled a bit before). I finally found one lonely planet, and the Intel that Goa is still in off-season, with no swimming, diving, and many places closed. As I really do not feel like having the "real India" experience - apparently it includes being constantly hustled, molestation, pollution, wrecked nerves - and after checking out endlessly other options (all impractical or with similar problems) - I decided on goa anyway. Apparently it's stunning and cheaper now.

Be a mango tree, not a coconut tree

Mango tree: fruit for everyone. But very hard to get coconuts. If fruit fall, people get injured. If fruit fall from mango tree, people like it.

Settling in

Very sore, much to take in, still overwhelmed but slowly slowly settling in. No honking up the road between hotel and the yoga school. A wonderful view on my favourite part of Rishikesh, the Lakshman Jhoola Bridge.

Tonight I had a very nice conversation with someone who was also wary of the relentless in your face positivity of some members of our group - which is,overall, quite nice though! 41 girls and Alessio, our pet Italian.
I'm not the only one after all who is having trouble with this categorical rejection of anything "science," and Western, and the a priori embrace of all things from here. Oddly that goes together with the excited/triumphant "it's science!" whenever there is overlap.

This is good because I had started to feel like the Judas in a group of ready self converts, and to be scared of being expelled for spreading negative energy. (Levitation, holy cow pee against cancer, are you kidding me??!)

After six days quite hardcore training, tomorrow is "off" - which means laundry, homework and exam preparation plus an optional visit to the Beatles ashram. Not that optional since I haven't moved further than the street where the hotel and the training studio is, the high street with its minishops of almost identical fare, and the "Royal cafe" where I love to eat, looking over "mama ganga". If the internet connection will allow it, I'll post pictures - electricity and internet stop regularly but it's not too bad.

Small things

After trying - valiantly - to go along with the monastery/summer camp/military/cult following style of eating (nice but repetitive, toned down vegan) Indian food and the horror of " European cuisine" (toast and jam etc) for some days, along with everyone else with poisitively unenlightened nouse level in the canteen, I caved today and asked for the opt-out option.
Immediately I was rewarded with a small bowel movement the pleasure of which I had been denied for days.. Not quite the healthy banana that Andrea ( freshly minted Ayurveda healer from Costa Rica) recommends, but still.

First impressions

First impression: the holy city is very loud, mainly because of the constant honking which is the main tool to regulate traffic. Blissfully, there is less of the always overly loud Indian music - everything between sweetish Bollywood and all sorts of pop - which pained me during six hours at the airport, followed by seven hours bumpy taxi ride. Quite a lot of white tourists, all of which seem rather " erleuchtet", glowing from spirituality. This makes for a rather relaxed atmosphere.  yesterday, I felt like a baby on speed. Everything just washed over me.  I slept twelve hours today, not sure when I accomplished this feat last, if ever.
Anticipation on the plane. Not feeling ready - not for this, not for the world. I slept about an hour, drunken dreams, then thanked my steward fervently: 8 hours was just enough to develop a bond. On the first day, my soul stuck somewhere in immigration, I feel stressed and not quite arrived, physically exhausted, tired. I notice feelings of competition and comparison with other yogis. Everyone seems psyched to be here. The Scottish woman I shared the taxi with was lovely. In the vast, bland, neon-lit, empty hoteroom, I feel safe yet miserable, homesick; and a stranger among strangers. I meet an incredibly beautiful Israeli woman, a psychologist, at the "German bakery", of which there are many and of course, it doesn't mean anything.