I felt excluded and bored and annoyed,all together; annoyed at the staring and picture taking and the cow shit everywhere, the dog stink in the cushions, the limited tourist food; excluded from the group and bored by most of their chatter.
I thought I was better but I am not. I feel suddenly done with this program, completely lost interest and motivation.
For me, It's really all about shame.
I feel/think that I failed to make connections. That I have become one of those needy, socially inept people. That I am bad (negativity, aura, too "heavy") for everyone I like and should offer myself only in small doses so I don't overwhelm and loose them. That I failed myself - the person that I once was - dreamy, creative, sensitive but also strong - and that I have walled myself in, locked in a sadness and grief that I can't explain to others in a way that would be satisfying to them - then, when people urge me to share, to open up (today Sarita, as I had a silent meltdown in her class) I try and then they say
"You must be happy. No one likes sad people. Everyone has pain." and I feel angry and guilty and ashamed, and I wish I hadn't "shared" because now it feels only worse and I just want to run away.
I thought I was better but I am not. I feel suddenly done with this program, completely lost interest and motivation.
For me, It's really all about shame.
I feel/think that I failed to make connections. That I have become one of those needy, socially inept people. That I am bad (negativity, aura, too "heavy") for everyone I like and should offer myself only in small doses so I don't overwhelm and loose them. That I failed myself - the person that I once was - dreamy, creative, sensitive but also strong - and that I have walled myself in, locked in a sadness and grief that I can't explain to others in a way that would be satisfying to them - then, when people urge me to share, to open up (today Sarita, as I had a silent meltdown in her class) I try and then they say
"You must be happy. No one likes sad people. Everyone has pain." and I feel angry and guilty and ashamed, and I wish I hadn't "shared" because now it feels only worse and I just want to run away.
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